Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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