I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
