he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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