I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
