Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
