You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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