Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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