I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
