Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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