Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
