theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
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found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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