So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
