I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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