I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
