GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I need to align my fucking chakras
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
