If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
