I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
