I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
