i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
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you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
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Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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