I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
