wakey wakey hands off snakey
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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