I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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