everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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