____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
