can we get nightvision for the apartment?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
