I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Who died my cat blue again?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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