The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
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Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
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I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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