I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
