Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
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It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am available for nakedness
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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