Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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