There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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