Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
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