That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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