what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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