Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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