please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
