I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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