i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
