You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
