does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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