I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
