DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
this is an emotional support booty call
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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