Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
