you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I met the friendliest cop last night
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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