Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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