So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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