Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
