There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
