I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
