just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
