Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
